Now onto our feature presentation.
The Story Of Jamal Jenkins.
No doubt you have seen this face.
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| Nigga Got Skrilla. |
He HAS to be rolling in it right? he's been in EVERY single commercial this holiday season and in the months leading up to it. His name is...Lamorne Morris.
So where does the whole "Jamal Jenkins" thing come from you ask? Think about it loyal readers...if his commercials were linked somehow...it has to be an AMAZING story filled with food, loose women, beer and of course, the stolen New Years Eve Ball.
This is Jamal's story.
Jamal was hanging out with his homies one day, realizing that hes tired of playing drums all day and begging for money. I mean, of course he's seen as a non-threatening black man since he's surrounded by clean cut white boys, but he knows that not enough to make it in this world. what he needs is A WOMAN. Jamal knows that that is the first step to happiness. Unfortunately, Jamal has never been able to hold down a relationship. Maybe this girl will be the one...
Jamal thinks he could do better, especially since it's obvious that she is a thief, and damn good at it too, since she was able to lift that VERY EXPENSIVE can of soda away from three guys when the cooler was RIGHT NEXT to one of their ears. Jamal also realizes he may want to try a black girl, since his momma wouldnt approve. Mama always says "If they can't use your comb, don't bring them home!"
One day Jamal was going to the Gym. He realizes that he has the ability to talk to women, its just that he doesnt understand why he cant KEEP them. Sometimes Jamal is a little too cocky however, and since he saw one of his white friends try this, he thought he would give it a try.
It Worked! Damn she is stupid! She even Paid!! She's a Keeper too! Jamal of course walks this young lady to her door, and she INVITES HIM IN!! SCOOOREEEEE!! Free Dinner, AND SOME VAGINAL INTERCOURSE?! Jamal has hit the jackpot!!
Wait...Oh no...She has 17 cats! Jamal is allergic!! The house smells like ammonia and cat shit!! He's gonna try though....he hasnt been laid in months! The Naive young woman begins to kiss all over Jamal and sticks her tongue down his throat. Unfortunately for Jamal, it seems this young woman gives her cats baths with her tongue, because it feels "All Natural" to them. Jamal also tastes a hint of Tuna so he promptly vomits and leaves.
So upset, Jamal hooks back up with his white drummer friends, Chad and Brody. Jamal tells them about how upset he is that he cant find the right woman in his life. Brody offers to set Jamal up on a blind date (with another black girl). Jamal and Terri have an excellent first and second date! they seem to be doing very well. Terri tells Jamal at the end of the third date that she loves him. Jamal explains to her that everytime he tells a woman that, bad things happen. she takes it well, until she goes home and starts talking to herself, saying over and over again that "Jamal loves her" in the mirror. That weekend, Jamal takes her on a picnic where he isnt exactly sure what to say about her...but knows he loves his beer...
After about 40 minutes of explaining himself, he realizes that she begins to get a nervous twitch and he decides to leave...and change his number...
...and address....
...and get a new job...
...AT A BUSINESS COMPANY!! Where it's lunchtime, and he realizes that he isnt good with women at all, even when he isnt dating them...
Having given up on women completely, Jamal decides he needs to go out on his own where he bumps into Kinesha. A very level headed, African American woman who is very independent. They hit it off very well for the coming months, through the summer and the fall. One day they were at a coffee shop where Jamal left his cell phone at the table and the unthinkable happened...
THAT CRAZY BITCH TERRI GOT HIS CELL NUMBER!! He got a second to think, but Jamal figured "THIS BLACK BITCH WONT BELIEVE ME! SHE BLACK!" and of course lied to her, which she found out about later, which led to her setting all of his clothes on fire, throwing his flat screen out of the window and turning all of the utilities on in the apartment and leaving them on without tell him. Then she went to his job, punched out the sandwich lady because she thought her name happened to be Terri too AND cussed out his boss TERRY, just incase Jamal was gay.
This of course led to Jamal being fired. down on his luck because he is jobless and most of his utilities shut off right through christmas, Jamal gets desperate. He tells his friends about his misfortune and they behind his back cook up a plan...STEAL THE NEW YEARS BALL AND SELL IT PIECE BY PIECE ON eBAY!!! (they were snorting coke)
The Theif in the red dress, whose name happens to be Sonya, Brody, Chad, and three of their mutual friends, Jack, Stacy and Karen, all meet to plan this awe inspiring heist. In the wee hours of the morning on December 31st, Brody, Chad and Karen reached the rooftop in Times Square where the Ball is located. Since Money is scarce, the only tools they had were from a Black & Decker toolbox Brody got for christmas.
Jack, Stacy and Sonya scoped out the area, looking for a means to escape. Jack, who has a pilot's license, found a helipad across the city which he could use to hook the ball up to and take it away. Brody unlatched most of the mechanisms in the ball so that it would move without alerting anyone once the final countdown started.
The six master thieves who loved their friend so much, set out on their quest at 11pm that night. Brody made his way back up to the rooftop to be the hook man. as millions and millions of people awaited the ball to drop, those close to the action started to notice the ball glowing weird.
Ke$ha was performing directly beneath the ball, grossing people out near the stage with her pu$$y funk.
The helicopter moved in at 11:58 towards the ball, and since no law enforcement agency wanted to blow that helicopter out of the sky, and have their name attached to a burning fireball falling on top of a bunch of people, it made it through unscathed. Brody attached the hook and jumped for the helicopter but missed, and Sonya grabbed his hand. Brody, proved too heavy however, mainly because he drank 7up way way too much. They both fell to their deaths.
Jack pulls up and takes the ball away. the wind from that cold december night causes some turbulence however, as Chad stumbles out of the helicopter and lands on Ke$ha, killing them both. The helicopter flies off into the night.
Jamal, the next day, after spending New Years Eve alone, hears about what happened the night before on the news on his phone. He comes home and finds Jack, Stacy and Karen.
They sell the pieces of eBay and then get arrested where Jamal will no longer have any issues with women. Now the men however...
-Sparks
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